


When you're gone

by PeterHaleforAlpha



Series: When he's gone [2]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Grief/Mourning, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-08
Updated: 2017-02-08
Packaged: 2018-09-22 21:49:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9626984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeterHaleforAlpha/pseuds/PeterHaleforAlpha
Summary: After Leonard died, Jim demands from Spock to know what happened.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is a continuation of "When I'm gone" and it would be advisable to read it before, but not necessary.  
> You just need to know that Leonard died on a mission, while being with Spock.
> 
> I'm also considering maybe writing more to this. Tell me what you think.

“What happened?” Jim’s quiet voice barely sounded through the room. All his will and power had left him the moment he had seen Bones in Spock’s arms, bloody and lifeless. He felt hollow and empty inside.

“I will write a full report, Captain.”

Jim looked up, met Spock’s eyes for the first time since the transporter room. He hadn’t dared to look at him, scared to see something he wouldn’t like. Now that he did, he wasn’t sure if he should be sad, angry or disappointed. Spock was his usual stoic self. Bones just died and Spock didn’t seem to care at all. “I don’t want a written report,” he said louder than intended. “I want to know what happened.”

He bumped a fist on the table in front of him, realized that his hand was trembling and pulled it back into his lap immediately.

Spock didn’t stir or flinch. He just bowed his head. “Of course.”

Jim nodded, and took a deep breath. Since Bones was back on the ship Jim had wanted to know what happened. How? Why? These were the questions that bothered him the most. They had blinded him, let him go numb while they moved Bones to med bay where M’Benga would run an autopsy on him. Let him almost go mad while he waited for Spock to join him in his ready room. His first thought had be to meet Spock in his quarters, to make it more personal, but he threw away this idea the second after it came to him. Just the thought that there would be Bones’ clothes lying around was too much.

So now he was sitting here with Spock in front of him, waiting for the answer to these questions. And out of a sudden he wasn’t so sure anymore if he was ready for them. Spock would start talking any moment now and Jim was not sure if he could cope.

“As requested I studied the vegetation of the planet, sir, when I was suddenly knocked to the side. At first I didn’t realize what was going on until I heard the sound of ancient weapons. I took cover and-” Spock stopped, averted his gaze lightly. The pause was unbearable for Jim but he forced himself to stay quiet, to give Spock some time to figure out how to do this. “I saw Doctor McCoy lying on the ground. The inhabitants were still firing at us and I knew I had to do something.” Spock straightened his back, looked right at Jim. “I fired my phaser, sir. I acted against the Prime Directive.”

In any other situation Jim would have cracked a joke about it, proud that Spock apparently had it in him somewhere deep down to break some rules if necessary. Now he just felt the burning sting of tears in his eyes.

“It scared them away, so I tended to Doctor McCoy.”

“Leonard,” Jim whispered out of a sudden, correcting the Vulcan. “You call him Leonard.”

“I am sorry, sir. I was on the assumption that this was a formal mission’s report that will-”

“No.” It was nothing more than a raw shake of his voice Jim thought and he wondered how it made Spock stop at all. Still, he took the opportunity, “No, it isn’t, Spock. It’s about _Bones_.” There was nothing formal about that. Jim wished he could treat this like any other death that occurred on this ship but he _couldn’t._ He couldn’t just listen to Spock explaining him what had happened, and feed the information to the computer afterwards. It was not anyone, it was Bones.

“I know, Jim.”

Jim’s glare was cold. “Do you?”

  
  


The logical side of his brain tried to warn him that it was wrong to accuse Spock, to _blame_ him. But his emotions had the upper hand right now, silencing any other words of reason to a hushed whisper. And they also agreed that anger was easier to handle than grief or sadness. So Jim went with being angry.

Spock’s irritation showed only for a second. “Of course I know.”

Jim jumped up, surrounded the table between them, and stopped two steps away from Spock. “It doesn’t seem like it, Spock. You are sitting here, cold and calculating, like on any other day, like _nothing_ happened at all. I don’t get you sometimes. How can you be so calm? How can you be _okay_ with it?”

Spock moved quicker than Jim had ever seen him. In a heartbeat he stood right in front of him. “Believe me, Jim, I am _not okay_ with this. Having my emotions under control does not mean that I do not care.”

Jim laughed dryly, pushed himself closer to Spock, and tilted his head. “Oh, I think that is exactly what it means. Bones was right. You are an emotionless cold block of ice.” The next thing Jim felt was a strong hand around his throat and the smile that crept up on his own face. He was shoved against the wall and the heavy impact took the air out of his lungs for a split second.

He waited for a punch that never came. Instead Spock let go of him, retreating a few steps. “I am sorry, Jim. It was not my intention to hurt you.”

“It’s fine, Spock.” Jim straightened himself, sighed quietly when his brain caught up with his stupidity. “I aimed at something like that. I am sorry. It’s not your fault.”

All of a sudden Spock turned around, showing Jim only his back, but he could see how Spock had gripped the table tightly. His knuckles were white and Jim feared for the table. He knew how strong a Vulcan could be. Shit, that was all his fault. “Spock, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said those things. It’s not true that I think that you-”

“Do you know why I choose to suppress my feelings?”

Spock sounded so vulnerable that it broke Jim’s heart. “Because it hurts?” Jim knew what it felt like. Hell, he was going through the exact same thing right now with the only exception that he didn’t witness it. Jim could only imagine how awful this must have been. To watch how Bones took his last breath.

“This is one of the reasons, yes,” Spock answered. “The other is I am not completely certain what I would do, Jim.”

Jim furrowed his brow, slowly stepping around Spock to be able to look him in the face again. “What do you mean?”

“I remember vividly how I reacted after my mother’s death.” He threw a brief look over at Jim. Jim remembered very vividly too. “How I reacted after your death. I was blinded by furious rage. I would have killed Khan if Nyota hadn’t stopped me.”

“You wouldn’t do something like this now, Spock,” Jim said and was surprised how convinced he sounded, how sure he was that Spock wouldn’t go to these lengths this time. He had not the tiniest little doubt that Spock meant no harm to these people on the planet or anyone else.

“You can not be sure, Captain.”

The formal address cut like a knife but Jim tried to ignore it. “I can because I know you. You loved … _love_ Bones. And you know how much he valued life. You wouldn’t do this, Spock.” It took all of Jim’s strength not to break apart right now, to remain standing, to convey his certainty. The only thing that kept him up right was that he knew that Bones would want them to work together.

“There was something that Leonard wanted me to tell you.”

Jim’s heart skipped a beat and somehow it got hard to breathe out of a sudden. He reached for Spock’s arm and held onto it.

“Jim, are you feeling unwell?”

Jim shook his head, knowing full well that it was a lie, but it wasn’t something physical, nothing that could be fixed just like that. So he closed his eyes, preparing himself of what he was about to hear. “What was it?”

Spock hesitated a second more. Jim could feel his gaze on him, contemplating if he should bring Jim to medical bay or just trust his words that he was fine. “He asked me to tell you that he loved you.”

The moment the words were over Spock’s lips Jim knew he couldn’t pretend anymore. His legs gave in and he felt himself fall when two strong arms grabbed him and moved him to his chair where he began this whole conversation.

“Jim?” There was a hint of worry in the Vulcan’s voice.

“I wasn’t there, Spock,” Jim mumbled, trying to blink away the tears in his eyes. “I should have been there. I should have-” He hung his head, holding onto Spock tightly. “I should have done _something_.”

“Your presence would have not changed Leonard’s fate.”

“You don’t know that!” He yelled again, anger threatening to come back to the surface. “Maybe I would have noticed them sooner. Maybe it would have never come this far.”

“Those theories are conclusive but futile. We can not change what happened in the past. There is no reason to dwell on other possible outcomes if certain variables were changed when there is no way for us to alter them.”

Jim knew he wanted to help, to calm him down, to help him but Jim couldn’t stop his thoughts from spiraling around this question. What would have happened if he had been down there as well? Maybe he could have prevented this. “I should have been there,” he repeated with a whisper.

This time Spock stayed quiet, no logical comment or anything like that, and Jim was thankful for it. He was not sure if he would snap at Spock again if he kept this going. He never did this before, or only rarely, but right now it was hard for Jim. He looked at Spock and saw a dead Bones in his arms. He heard any emotionless comment from Spock and his mind jumped to the conclusion that he never cared at all. Jim knew that it was nonsense, that Spock was as deeply hurt as he was but right now in his battered state Jim had difficulties to remind himself.  

Until suddenly it wasn’t anymore. Without Jim noticing Spock’s hand had vanished from his arm and positioned itself on his shoulder. Now his thumb was rubbing over Jim’s bare skin on his throat. The pain and sadness washed over him like a wave, threatened to drown him. The tears in his eyes finally broke free.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry, Spock,” he mumbled, leaning forward to rest his forehead against Spock’s head. Jim hadn’t even realized that Spock had knelt down in front of him since he put him on the chair.

“There is no need to apologize, Jim.”

Jim swallowed around the lump in his throat, moving his head slowly, hoping Spock would be able to recognize this as a nod. He wasn’t able to form words anymore. The last bit of strength and self control had left his body and Jim couldn’t do anything. He felt useless. Powerless.

Like the whole time he had stood next to Scotty, watching how he worked like a mad man to bring the transporter back online. Jim had only stood there, frozen, unable to do anything. Despite any other options of what he could do he commed Spock, over and over again, just to receive only one answer, with one single word.

The second he heard Spock’s voice, he had known. Known that there was no hope to see Bones coming back alive. And still he had hoped nevertheless. Until they were back on board. Until his whole world crushed into a million pieces.

  
  


“I should have been there,” he mumbled again. It felt like a litany by now, hoping that these words could magically change everything that had happened. That they could bring them all back. Unfortunately the world didn’t work like this.

Spock reminded him once more, “It was a science mission. There was no need for you to be there, Jim.”

“I know,” Jim sobbed.

“Nevertheless I could have needed you down there.”

Surprised by those words, Jim pulled back, opened his eyes and looked at Spock, trying to contemplate what he was thinking right now. What he was feeling.

“I fear that my presence alone was not enough to ease Leonard’s scared mind.”

“Don’t say that,” Jim whispered, leaned in closer again. “You are enough for Leonard.” The last two words came out in a shaky breath. Jim doubted that Spock had noticed at all, or would pay it much attention. Jim on the other hand started thinking about the meaning behind it. What it meant _for them_.

When Jim pressed a gentle kiss to Spock’s lips, it only made it worse. It didn’t feel wrong but all he could think about was Bones. How Bones was missing here. And that he would never come back. That he would never see him again.

“Meld with me,” Jim said out of a sudden, surprising himself. The thought came out of nowhere but now he couldn’t get rid of it. He wanted to be there for Bones, and this was the only way he could.

“Jim, this is not a good idea.”

“Please, Spock. I want to be there for him and yes, I know, I’m not really there. But … but,” Jim was searching for the right words, the right words that could convince Spock to do this. “I need to see him one last time.”

“It is not just looking at the scene. You will feel what I felt, and you will feel what Leonard felt.”

“I need to do this!” Jim tried to let his voice sound confident so that Spock wouldn’t doubt the stability of his mind. “I know what I’m going into.” After all he had experienced a mindmeld before, not such a personal one, but he knew what he was facing.

Finally Spock nodded. He let go off Jim’s shoulder and laid his hand on his face. Jim closed his eyes, tried to prepare himself for what was coming, but he hadn’t even needed to bother to try. The wave of emotions was overwhelming, the pictures in his head rushed past him quickly. It shouldn’t made sense at all but it was so clearly right in front of him, as if he had been there too.

  
  


“ _I can’t wait to show Sulu what we have found,”_ Bones’ clear voice echoed in his head, and when Jim looked up he saw him smile, open and genuine. Jim felt his own lips quirk up as well, a common reaction to seeing Bones smile, and he felt Spock’s love and caring wash through him.

It made Jim feel good for a little second before everything went to hell. The sounds of the shots and the shouting was so real that Jim was eager to participate in the fighting as well until he remembered it was all in his head. He realized it the moment he felt Spock’s sheer panic as he saw Bones lying motionless on the ground.

The next moments weren’t as clear as before, confusion and panic took a hold of him, or more of Spock, before he snapped out of it and contacted the Enterprise. From there on Jim knew more or less what happened, what was about to happen, he had imagined it, went over every possible scenario these last moments of his best friend could have looked like.

This was worse than everything Jim could have pictured.

Over his own fear and worry laid Spock’s similar emotions. And then he melted with Bones, to give him comfort, to show that he wasn’t alone.

The rush of Bones’ emotions on top of it all almost knocked Jim out. Suddenly he felt hesitation coming from Spock, not back then, but _now_. He could feel Spock retreat and even if it hurt to watch all of this, Jim _had_ to do this. So he put his hand on top of Spock’s and pushed it gently closer to his face, to show him that he wanted this. That he needed to go through with it till the end. He could feel Spock’s uncertainty but nevertheless he stayed where he was, holding the connection, even squeezed Jim’s other hand with his own free one. Jim was glad to have Spock, not to have to go through this alone.

The next few minutes of Spock’s memories was the most horrible thing that Jim had ever witnessed. Seeing Bones so weak and in pain seemed wrong. And yet Jim couldn’t change it, couldn’t change any of it. It broke his heart watching how brave Bones tried to be, trying to comfort Spock and himself at the same time, and somehow even succeeded in his task, at least until Jim came into play.

Suddenly Bones was so afraid, Jim wished he would have never used the damn communicator. He had never meant to scare Bones.

“ _He was only afraid of_ leaving _you,”_ Spock’s voice sounded through his mind. “ _He didn’t want to leave you.”_

Jim squeezed Spock’s hand tighter after this, not sure if he should feel better or worse. He felt definitely worse after hearing Spock’s last words to Bones, “ _Live long and prosper_.” His own heart dropped at the feeling that came next, he could feel Bones slipping away from him, from Spock. Spock tried to strengthen the bond, to pull Bones back from the depth but he fell, until he was lost in the darkness.

Jim _felt_ Bones dying.

  
  


With a gasp Jim came out of it, not really surprised to feel tears on his face once more.

“How do you feel?” Spock pulled back a little, his fingers still lingering on Jim’s cheek.

“He’s _gone._ ” He had seen Bones’ body, checked his pulse, didn’t steer from his side all the way to med bay. Jim had known that Bones was dead. But now it was so much more _real_. Jim couldn’t deny it anymore, couldn’t pretend that this all might only be a horrible dream. His lips started trembling. “He’s _dead_.”

“I know.”

Two little words that felt like a knife that was plunged into his body, pulled out again, just to be rammed back in. Over and over again. Jim had no idea what he was supposed to do now, what he was supposed to do on a ship where everything and everyone reminded him of Bones.

“I’m not sure I can do this, Spock.” Jim wasn’t entirely sure what he meant. It was just all too much. Everything.

“You do not have to, Jim.”

Jim locked eyes with Spock, tried to understand what Spock wanted to tell him. It was still hard to read him, even after all those years. It was so much easier to know what Bones was thinking than to try to decipher Spock. But right now Spock made a clear picture. Maybe it was easier for Jim because Spock was still touching him. Anyway he felt sympathy all around him.

  
  


“Maybe I should take over your captain’s duties for a while,” Spock suggested calmly.

Jim shook his head immediately. “I can’t ask this of you.”

“You are not, Jim.” Another squeeze of his hand. Spock was rarely using touch which showed Jim how serious this whole situation was. How _hurt_ both of them were. “I am offering.”

Still, Jim kept on shaking his head, having Bones’ voice ghosting through his mind, “ _He needs you, more than ever._ ” Bones wouldn’t want Jim to take advantage of Spock. This was not what he meant when he asked Spock to look after him.

Only because he was Vulcan, only because he could suppress his feelings, deal with them on a completely different level, it was not fair to push him into work, and especially not ask him to run this ship - after he just witnessed Bones die in his arms. Jim knew now what this felt like.

It was not fair. Spock was hurting too.

“Bones wouldn’t want this.”

“I am certain that Leonard would want us to help each other out. My ability to comfort someone in such a delicate situation is still improvable. But I know I can help you out _with this_. Let me take over for a while.”

Jim looked at Spock for a long while, completely quiet, not sure what was right or wrong. Jim knew he couldn’t do it. He didn’t know how he should function without Bones, but pushing Spock to do it seemed wrong. They both lost Bones. It wasn’t fair to expect something from him that Jim couldn’t even do on his own.

“Jim…”

Finally Jim nodded. “Okay,” he whispered. “Thank you.”

“You are more than welcome.”

They remained like this for quite a while. Jim was unable to move, and Spock just waited with him. There were no words, no words for such a situation, and yet Jim had the feeling that they said so much in the last half an hour. Too much actually. Jim felt the strength leaving his body. He felt tired, so tired.

“You should rest, Jim. Let me bring you to your quarters.”

A cold grip lay around his heart at the thought of entering his quarters. They mostly had spend their times there. Spock didn’t sleep every night, preferred to meditate from time to time, and he still wanted to be alone for it. So after a while they just agreed on using Jim’s quarters as their place, if it was only Jim and Bones for the night, or all three of them.

Bones was everywhere in this room, in the books on the shelf, in the kid’s paintings on the walls which he got from Jo, in the clothes from last night that had to lay around somewhere on the floor.

Jim couldn’t go in this room. Not right now.

So he shook his head. “No.”

Spock just opened his mouth to argue about this, when Jim clarified, “Can you take me to yours?”

Confusion flashed up in Spock’s eyes for a split second but nevertheless he nodded. “Of course.”

  
  


They were quiet all the way to Spock’s quarters. Jim walked a step behind Spock, keeping his distance. There was nothing more that he wanted to do than to hold his hand, lean himself against Spock but Jim feared if he did this he wouldn’t make it to the quarters at all. Being near Spock meant only cruel reminders that Bones was missing.

Somehow they made it without meeting anyone on the halls. Jim was thankful for it. He didn’t need to see anyone right now, didn’t need to see their pity in their eyes, or their own grief. Jim just wanted to hide himself from the world, and not come out for a week. Or a month.

Spock tucked Jim into his bed, and remained at his side for a few minutes, before he said, “I will leave you alone to rest.”

Jim wished he could ask him to stay, wished that his heart wouldn’t twist in a painful contortion whenever he thought about seeking comfort in Spock. He wished he could just bury himself in Spock’s arms, cry his eyes out, and everything would be good again. But it wasn’t this easy, not when every time Jim looked at Spock he had to think of Bones.

This didn’t mean Jim wasn’t grateful for Spock. He believed he wouldn’t have gotten this far without him. So he grabbed Spock’s arm before he stepped away. “Spock, I…” Jim didn’t know what to say, how to thank him.

Spock waited patiently, didn’t push, just waited.

Jim closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and then suddenly it was so clear in front of him. A mere thank you wasn’t enough but maybe this was. He sat up again, pulled at Spock’s arm so that he sat down next to him.

“Bones was right,” he whispered, sliding closer, taking Spock’s hand. “It wasn’t your fault.”

He felt Spock tensing next to him, could feel Spock’s uncertainty through the touch and when he looked up, he saw a single tear on the Vulcan’s face.

Jim had only seen this once before and it was just a vague memory, something that seemed more like a dream than anything else. Now it was real, right in front of him, proof of how horrible this whole situation was.

He moved in closer, kissing the tear away. “It wasn’t,” he whispered once more before leaning on Spock’s shoulder.  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Come and visit me on [tumblr](www.dukewuornos.tumblr.com)


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